lydia's world...

Saturday, July 31, 2004 Â Â Â Â Â

hey peeps.. i'm back in action. ya so sorri for d lack of updates lately. bin realli busy. of cuz my life as usual lotsa ups n downs esp wif tt client.. haiz... well.. things definitely gt worst after d monday. lotsa of ridiculous things u will hear from me.

but today jus dun feel like toking abt sad things cuz nw i feel happy. abt wat? i oso dun realli noe.. jus feel this kind of happiness in me now... hmmm... jus enjoying myself.

- posted by lydia @ Saturday, July 31, 2004

Monday, July 19, 2004 Â Â Â Â Â

haiz... duno wat to say. den blog lo... i tink i starting to go crazy over blogging.. gona put in a couple of entires in one day!!!!

sianz sianz sianz.... so vexed!!!! so frustrating.. did i once said if u dun even believe in urself den no one will but rite nw i realli dun feel anything confident about myself. nuthin... jus feel like burying myself in my pillows n bed.. n slp. slp everything away.. jus like wat i use to do wen i jus wana run away frm unhappiness wen i was wif ivan...

running away from reality.. haha... so unlike me. lose courage sumhow.. gotta find it back in myself. i can't hide 4eva but sumtimes in the deepest part of heart i do feel realli sad n ya of cuz lonely now tt dere's no "him". lost ... duno wat directions to head to. jus wana read my hearts out.. play to d fullest n enjoy. but things jus jus jus not smooth going.. sorri but i feel tt my life sucks... sucks big time

feel like asking myself if i have been successful once.. well i tink i did but nv maintain it anyway.. or prob jus tt std dropped... EQ prob b my forte or prob i haf bin independent n strong but as times comes by i feel that i am getting rusty. perhaps i shd jus learn to pick up myself up again.. it seems so hard but last time it seems like it's so easy.

y?????????? sumone tell me? * life seems meaningless no doubt dere's so many ppl arnd me whom i noe had been real supportive but sumhow... i am jus trying to pull myself back together.

sumtimes when i feel lonely i tink of my frens n i miss them. everytime when i get to meet my frens i will realli look forward to it n ya of cuz enjoy myself. but sumtimes i feel very weird. sum frens tt i used to be quite close wif or rather tat we used to be able to tok all now seems so far away from me. well... maybe i din make an effort or maybe it's meant to be. duno la... jus felt left out. or maybe rite nw i oso gif ppl d kind o impression tt i dun wana b disturbed or i am jus so pre-occupied with my sadness, stress n blah blah blah..... wth is wrong wif me?

memories r sweet n yet painful.... tinking makes one's brains work but yet it brings insomia if i tink too much at least... hey i duno wat am i writing. jus trying to blah blah blah all d way... jus wana let out.

shd i stop here??? no i tink i still got sumthing to say leh.. but duno wat.. feel like munching non stop n stuffed myself wif sinful food... anyway i tink i am putting on a little weight.. ya all gathered at the tummy n i ain exercising so i end up wif all fats.. oh no it's like so.... nvm....

argh... hope things will b betta tmr.. ya tmr like real. gona gt buttered n wif d whole office hearing it. but watz new???? it's not d first time... so ashamed :(

i hope things will b betta wif my parents too.. maybe i shd jus apologise n ya do my part. i miss happy times wif my family... wif him.... jus miss all d happy times with him... no matter how happy i am right now, deep in my heart, he will be dere. a fren or a soulmate he will jus b dere...
lotsa things will jus remind me of him.... i jus wana b happi... live my life properly n meaningfully...

tink i oso shd cut dwn on my spending liao... bin spending a lot.. time to move on in life.. not jus feel sad. trying to do my best at work but it seems like the harder u try d more difficult it is... ok i am jus incompetent but tt's HIS opinion.. i am determined.. haha i shall show u tt i am not u stupid asshole, sum egoistic man whu noe nuts abt logistics hahhah.. (oops... i shdnt b mean cuz i may not noe as much, but... who cares!!! so wat if u r more knowledgeable....) i will prove to u tt i noe my facts... n i noe my work. i wun let u get me down... i am not a pushover u old man!!!!

hmmm... felt betta le.. hmmm.. tink i stop here... blog if i gt d mood.. hahah.. den one day duno gt hw many blogs liao.

- posted by lydia @ Monday, July 19, 2004

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haiz.. on mc today. got a cold yesh a cold. bin sneezing and my nose feelsl like a tap. went to d doctor's tis morning n was given one day mc. shd i say gd time to rest?? realli i duno.

anyway din have a gd weekend though. met up d gals on sat, bought some new assets and i am feeling the pinch right now in my pocket. hahah... had a pretty gd slp on sun though but still ended up sick. ha... jus weak i tink!! k k... i noe wat u guys gona say.. u betta take care of urself gal.. i will. probably pamper myself with a gd meal later.

well.. anyway... now i am once again demoralised. read d emails from my client and yesh i GT SCREAMED at again. can't realli get to the bottom of thinsg right now as i can't access to my outbox. gona get it nice n gd, hot n delicious from my director again... realli bad comments u noe.. wat if my company sack me??? Den i will be jobless n i will get into more trouble with my parents.

realli duno la.. i feel tt tis shdn't b d way lo. jus duno how to react. sumhow i jus dun wana leave tis job cuz i oso duno but every week when i c all this i feel more n more demoralised.

watz' worst? me n my bro gt into a row with my parents n situations are so tense now. when i am feelin discouraged from work n wen i tot d person who would be able to encourage me will jus end up lecturing me, if not dey will simply say i am jus stubborn. but i noe it's difficult to accept what others gt to say but i feel that i am often not understood well enuf. last time when i have ivan, he nv fails to brighten my day even without saying much.

jus felt silly.. is it a mistake to return back to d office? wat will happen to me tmr??? stressed... others r jus doing so well but me? bad bad bad... jus horrible. jus nt gd at doing projects i tink.... y? y wen i needed sumone dere, dere weren't any?

eh... realli can feel my heart drop lo.. it dropped so many times tt i wish things were never like tt before.. i blame no one but sumtimes jus myself. feel so unlucky... things jus weren't my way.

haiz.. lotsa of things in my mind but i jus duno hw to express myself... sad n moody.

- posted by lydia @ Monday, July 19, 2004

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 Â Â Â Â Â

hey peeps... back i am... hmmm.. like nuthing to say. jus feel like blogging. weather so cold today. almost freeze to death in d office. anyway my health ain't getting any better man. so sianz..

hmmm.. work seems ok. i getting back on track for work. gona focus all my energy on work and starting this new chapter of my life. nt as difficult as many days beofre but still nt very used to it. no worries ppl out dere.. i promise i will make it and i wun turn back.

hmm.. guess wat i done last weekend. heez.. went to ktv wif my colleagues on fri. it's like a big group of us.. i definitely enjoyed myself. well.. i mean frenz indeed after 6 cuz they r all encouraging me not to cry over ivan. not to b sad animore...feel realli touched lo. U noe liyan oso sang songs for me... so sweet of em all rite? onli thing was tt i gt buttered by client and bosses real badly.

well.. one thing that i feel prob sad is that i lost my blazer at Maxwell market cuz i forget to take. forgetful me.. and when i realise tt i forget abt my blazer after leaving the place for about ten mins.. too late and too lazy to turn back. nvm.. jiu de bu qu xin de bu lai..s o time to get new stuff jus like sumone in life. if he nv leave tt place noone can take his place.. haha... sound like guys r like clothes bt of cuz not... jus a analogy to show hw i felt.

went to pick jia hua up from baot quay n went supper with him n kw till 3 plus in d morning.. haha.. haven bin so happening liao. like going ktv for 2 consecutive weeks.

den went out to meet gen for a while on sat. saw my darlings and ate wif them. walk arnd trying to find blazers but not nice n not within budget. wearing my inappropriate clothes.. anyway it's jus tube and denim skirt but not suitable for bbq ma. so went home to change den meet pearl go meet d rest. Gt bbq for fiona who's leaving for her studies. den last min also celebrated joanna's birthday in advance.

hhaha... so nice of all who offered consolation when they knew about me n ivan. so sweet of all who cared. Thz! of cuz lotsa laughter, fun, catching up, teasing and little surprises everywhere. crazy stuff we chatted about, things we play. onli spoiler was the ant infested pit. but nvm.. realli enjoyed myself.

den went back an chatted online with my darlings... very funni den in d end nv follow my parents go. woke up in afternoon and doze back again den went to watch mean gers with my darlings except hazel lo.. she fly my kite. sad ah.. haha.. no la. she tired tt's y. but anyway it's a nice show. realli laugh my fill. feel a kind of happiness i dun how to describe.

hmmm.. hope everyday gets better!!! *lydia prays hard

- posted by lydia @ Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Sunday, July 11, 2004 Â Â Â Â Â

hey guys... good news i guess this will be. i am kinda over da breakup. no longer feel that sad now... jus still feel empty n lonely. of cuz i still miss him n when i tink about the happy memories.. i dun feel sad but happy cuz at least i had it wif him b4.

chatted wif him tis afternoon... feel kinda gd. like frenz lo... maybe a little more den normal frenz. dun ever tink we can b normal frenz anyway. everything seems to be back to normal sumhow and i felt happier. i felt a kind of happiness tat i duno hw to describe.

now i jus wana refocus my life and time on other stuff.. n move on faster. i admit i am pushing myself to d limit. i pushed myself to get over him in a week.. not i dun love him animore. but jus wana be a stronger ger den ever. i guess i did it.. except the loneliness n emptiness i can't beat. nvm.. will try harder :)

bin out a lot lately.. jus wana keep myself busy everyday. slp when i am tired. haha.. went ktv like in 2 consecutive weeks and went out almost every nite. den tonite went for bbq.. met my classmates. a small gathering but it was realli very nice. very heartwarming...

when i was most down, people tt i tot would care most may nt b wat i haf expected to be but ppl whom i least expected has been real supportive. realised tt my family been real united and supportive as well. jus a special thx to my mum, dad n bro, my best buddy - ryan, frenz whu nv fails to bring me envouragement, warmth and laughter - Pearlynn, Angeline and company, Jia Hua, Hazel, Hao yun, my beloved colleagues and those whu were dere for me on tt fateful day! oh ya. nt forgetting those not mentioned.. pardon me if i din mentioned ur names.. too many. feel blessed.

amybe it's a blessing in disguise. i hope it's a blessing n it's for d betta.. muacks

- posted by lydia @ Sunday, July 11, 2004

Thursday, July 08, 2004 Â Â Â Â Â

hey ppl... thx a lot for the encouragement. But i guess standing up is never that easy esp if he's been in my life for so long. i am realli trying hard but i realli still miss him. gt the temptation to pick up the fone to sms me, to call him. i long to hear from him.. but i noe i shdn't. i dun wana turn back cuz life goes on...

work's been like shit.. been making lotsa mistakes. haven slept well... n sick. y??? y does all this cums in one shot.. realli gt scolded like nobody's business n clients' making things so difficult for me... plus i am so swarmed with work. i struggling man...

k la... gtg. Came in to jus offload abit.. hope i will bring better news soon. prays hard... :)

- posted by lydia @ Thursday, July 08, 2004

Monday, July 05, 2004 Â Â Â Â Â

i'm heartbroken.. yes i am heartbroken. i am now single.. a guy that i loved so much i will no longer get to love him anymore. never again.. jus wish all was over, over in a split second. it was anticipated that it will come to an end and it finalli did. i finalli got d courage to say let's break up and wif all d determination to never turn back in tis ever again. wateva d future may holds he will still be the guy i love d most n yet d one who hurt me d deepest.

Was glad tat i had frenz who will be there when i needed them. it's time to move on n i am moving on. peeps.. i guess u guys mus b happy for me. it's good news isn't it?

jus wana put all my energy on my new life... i will miss him n we will jus b fren. simply frens now.

"i will never forget how i meet u n i fell in love with you."

- posted by lydia @ Monday, July 05, 2004